Monday, December 13, 2004

Ticking Bombs

Marriage today is not a good deal for men, divorce rates are at historical highs and the so-called "Family" Courts are unabashedly hostile in their attitudes towards men. The odds are that, if you are a man, you will get burnt, and burnt badly.

It gets worse if you marry older, or more specifically, when you marry a woman who is in her thirties or older.

Typically, your 30 something woman will either already have children, or be absolutely desperate to get her hands on some. In the first case, having to take responsibility for another mans offspring is hardly an attractive proposition. In the second case, a woman who is desperate to have children before it is too late is a nightmare waiting to happen. By the time she turns thirty a childless woman begins to notice the ticking of her biological clock. As the twilight of her childbearing years approaches the ticking becomes increasingly loud and she will begin to panic.

She becomes a ticking bomb.

If you are a man who is considering marrying a childless 30 something woman, then there are a few things you should consider.

Ask yourself why your blushing bride-to-be has waited until her mid-thirties before realising that she would like to make some babies. Usually you can boil the answer down to only one of two reasons. Either she will have been chasing the feminist dream, that of pretending she is a man and "having a career" or she will have been partying hard until her looks gave out and she stopped being able to pick up casual partners at will. In either case, you can be sure she will have been living on her own terms, without having to consider the needs, wants or feelings of anybody else. Especially those of a lowly male like you.

In short, there is a very good chance that she will be a totally self-centred bitch.

Adult women who have lived alone since breaking the apron strings become set in their ways. So do men of course, but men, generally speaking, are more adaptable, more tolerant, and more likely to just "live and let live". Women on the other hand tend to like things to be orderly and regimented, with everything kept "in the right place". They like the toilet seat to be down at all times and they like having sole control over the TV remote. They like the coffee jar to be kept on the "correct" shelf in the pantry and they like the floor to be vacuumed like so. Add to that the fact that all women these days have been constantly subjected to the feminist media telling them that they "can have it all", "need a man like a fish needs a bicycle" and "all men are pigs". In more extreme cases they may even suspect that "all men are rapists, paedophiles and wife abusers" too.

So, you want to marry this woman.

After you get married, the first crisis you face will be the "we must have a baby before I get too old crisis". You may be able to stall for a while and until you acquisce to her demands she will indeed remain on her best behaviour. She will tolerate various toilet related transgressions, she will allow you to choose some programmes to watch on TV and she won't berate you for constantly putting the coffee jar on the wrong shelf.

She might even partake in sexual relations reasonably regularly. Sometimes even with you.

Things sure will seem swell and you will become relaxed being around her.

But the baby-making demands will continue unabated. She can hear her biological clock ticking and it is only a matter of time before the bomb goes off.

If she doesn't suddenly have an "accident" with her birth-control first, you will eventually aquiesce to her demands because life seems so comfortable and she seems to be such a sweet girl after all. You may even begin to think that having a kid of your own might be a good thing anyway.

Uh-oh, bad mistake.

Once the decision has been made you will find your opportunities for sex will quadruple immediately. This will be the high point of your marriage, so you had better enjoy it while it lasts fella.

Once she is pregnant, most likely the frequent sex will slow to a trickle, or even stop completely. If you are like most men this will be a difficult period, but being a tolerant and understanding chap you will probably treat this as a passing phase.

Over the next 9 months the pregnancy will drag on. She will get more and more irrational, and less and less tolerant of your many transgressions. This will climax when the time of childbirth arrives, where you can count on being subjected to a torrent of abuse, both as an individual and as a man in general for getting her pregnant and putting her through such intolerable agony. The fact that her becoming pregnant was entirely her idea will be totally lost on her. Women have a talent for such things.

Now the "fun" part really starts. The baby is demanding. The baby is smelly. The baby is insatiable. You both become tired. Baby rearing is something that is more naturally suited to younger people. Instinctively people used to know this, today we have forgotten. For people who have become accustomed to unfettered freedom for many years, caring for a baby can be a rude shock indeed.

Nevertheless, the odds are that after a while she will decide that she wants another baby before it's too late. Junior should have a little brother or sister after all, so the sex starts up again until she once again she is pregnant again.

Once she has decided she has had enough babies, here's what will most likely happen.

Firstly, you will both be tired, bored and will have long ago forgotten what it was like to have a social life. Life will be confined to dealing with screaming, attention demanding babies and commuting to and from soul-destroying jobs.

Before long, she will start wondering about what happened to her old life. The life where she never had to put the toilet seat down. The life where everything was kept in the "right place". If she doesn't work, she will resent you for "escaping" by going to work, if she does work she will resent you for not doing enough to help her around the house.

"Not doing enough to help" is usually code for "not doing stuff the way I like it done".

Remember what I said at the start about her spending the last 15 years doing stuff her way? Well, herein leis the rub. Quite simply, she will at some point tire of not being able to do stuff her way. This can manifest itself in a few ways and usually will. There will be the aforementioned toilet related angst and all those other little trivialities that women enjoy getting upset over.

Where things will really come undone is if you choose to take an active hand in raising the children. Now, you can be sure that your wife will demand that you change plenty of dirty nappies (diapers) and get up to do the 2AM feeds and such. This is what she means when she says "she wants you to be more involved in raising the children". What she does not tell you is this is exactly where she wants your involvement to end. She does not want you interfering in any of the actual decision making to do with the raising of her children, and you can be damned sure that they will be HER children and not yours. She's gotten this far in life without sharing anything other than a bed with a man, and you can be damned sure she's not going to start now.

You will be relegated to the role of combination hired help and interested bystander.

The point where you realise this is the point where you will begin to think that maybe getting married might not have been the smartest decision you ever made.

In the meantime, your blushing bride is probaly cursing the day you were born. You constantly leave the toilet seat up, you miss the bowl, you have crap taste in television and you leave the coffee jar in all the wrong places. On top of that you have ambitions of actually being a parent to HER children. This last one is the clincher.

It won't take long before her already divorced friends start telling her how much better things are without a man around the place (but with the added bonus of a monthly "child support" cheque to sweeten the deal of course). She will recall the days when she was carefree and single, and will begin to blame you for her loss of freedom. Things were so much better before she married you. Accordingly, she will want that freedom back, and since the only reason she got married in the first place was so she could get herself some babies divorce will seem like the obvious next step for her to take.

Chances are that by the time your kids are walking and in daycare, you will be kicked out of your home and you can look forward to having your wage garnished for the next 15 years. You will be allowed "visitation rights" to your children at best, at worse she will use them against you.

Your experiment with marriage will be but a bitter memory.

My advice is just don't do it.

17 Comments:

Blogger Sean said...

I concur, never been married but it sounds like one hell of a sucker punch.

December 13, 2004 at 5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very good information! As a male in my late 30's, many of the women I meet are in the twilight of their child bearing years. After reading this article, I not only run at the first suggestion that they desire children, but I run far and run far fast!

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